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You can feel it brewing in seconds leading to a big argument. You’re grumpy, you’re blushing, and you’re suddenly ready to say something out loud that you know you’ll never be able to take back. Explosive squabbles—even regular-sized ones—can irreparably damage relationships of all kinds. If you engage in one of these, whether with a stranger, a colleague, or a friend, you can never be sure of the outcome. You can only hope that things don’t turn violent.
However, in those few seconds, you can choose.You can’t necessarily control the situation, but you can de-escalate yourself. Here are some tips to help you stay cool when the weather heats up.
Find out why you have the urge to fight
The urge to fight does not come out of thin air. It’s a product of your temperament, your past experiences, your personal preferences, and specific circumstances. Depending on how all these things work together, you may find yourself ready to give up when you sense a threat, feel disrespected, or sense that someone else is getting ready to argue with you. While you can’t avoid spontaneous moments of tension, you can understand yourself now to better understand your impulses when the time comes.
As success coach Ronnie Bloom explains, “Most people are familiar with ‘fight or flight,’ an adrenaline-filled state of reaction that we get into when we perceive a threat. [They] is part of the Survival Response Quartet. The other two in the family are Frozen and Fawn. All four are instinctive responses that help us emotionally and physically survive threats to the best of our ability. “
The “fight” instinct can lead you to take aggressive stances. The “run away” instinct will cause you to completely disengage. The “freeze” instinct makes you unable to react to perceived threats at all. The “please” instinct will see you try to please the other person to avoid conflict.
Think back to how you handled intense situations in the past. Are you likable by default or run away? Your previous experiences play an important role in your future responses. If you’ve become assertive or aggressive, you may have learned to avoid this path when things go against you — or not. Some of us are not intimidated by the results of the past, and some of us may not yet face the consequences of the battle. Taking the time to question your motives and behaviors and work on getting to know yourself so you can at least avoid looking for situations where you would attack others – it will only make your problem worse.
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“In many cases, the ‘fight’ response has resulted in more consequences and damage than is currently the case,” warns Bloom.
Demoted before the fight started
Self-understanding makes it easier to identify when tensions escalate to the point of aggressive conflict. Still, the point of the fight/flight/freeze/fuck framework is that these responses are largely subconscious. Much of the relegation work begins long before a possible fight.
“I think the first thing people need to know is if they’re in a ‘fight’ [mode] Then it’s likely that the part of their brain responsible for rationality and deliberation is offline,” Bloom said. “Our brains do this so that they don’t get into analytical paralysis when the bear is chasing us. In my opinion, the reason this knowledge is so important – it tells us that logic and rationality are not the next step. Calming the mind-body activation in the “battle” needs to be the number one priority. “The key is you knowledge You are first in a “battle” state, which means you have to Feel It, because of reasoning, has left the building.
She recommends trying to bring a “fight” to your body and notice how it feels when you’re not actually fighting. Ask yourself where in your body this feeling exists—is it color, shape, heaviness, tingling, or numbness. Use any valid adjective to identify how the reaction feels, then memorize it.
“It’s a fight,” she said. “The next time that happens, you’ll be able to identify it better and know to start the de-escalation process.”
How to really stay calm in battle
While understanding the origins of combat responses is key, there are other things you need to know and do at that moment when theory becomes practice. Bloom recommends removing yourself from active environments if possible, which could mean going to your room, walking outside, or going to the bathroom.
“The idea is to get yourself into a space where it’s safe to express this instinct and then soothe,” she says. You can bang on the pillow—or even scream at it—or find another way to express your aggression. Consider opening up your note-taking app and typing in everything you wish to say to someone else in that moment – but don’t actually send it their way.
After you get out of this aggression, take a moment to calm yourself down: try yoga, eat a special meal, enjoy your favorite music, or do whatever makes you feel fulfilled.
“This method of safe expression and soothing brings you back to a space where reason and logic come back online, and you can use them again for decision-making and contemplation,” says Bloom.
However, she pointed out that in some cases, you cannot Take off to an isolated place. At times like this, take a deep breath and call upon the best restraint you can, until you are able to leave. Do your best to stay on the scene and remember that the consequences of fighting can be severe and long-lasting.
“Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel,” she says, referring to your final chance to get out of the woods.